20 August 2012

Mad at the World

Do you ever have one of those days when you're mad at everyone in the world?  There isn't a particular, discernible reason, but, well, you just are?
I had one of those weeks.
You would think that having the kids back in school and a few extra moments to myself would have helped (and that's if you're counting moments to myself to include those with Clover and Drummer as my miniature sidekicks.)
The smallest of things would make my blood boil, a small toy left out, clothes hurriedly and haphazardly thrown on the floor, dribbles of water left for me to clean up (or slip in).
I didn't know how to get out from under the cloud that shadowed me.
Yesterday I went to play my harp in a church across town.  I took Divine and Clover.  Clover was going to spend a few days with gammy and Divine is a helper extraordinaire, holding doors as I maneuver through with my lumbering instrument, carrying bench and stand, and fetching my music. 
I got set up, tuned, and went through the hymn a few times.  Then I was angry it was so hot and hastily pulled my hair back that I spent so long drying and straightening (which happens once a month or less).  
I knew that my heart needed to be softened, and that I couldn't bring the spirit of peace with the mental writhing I had.  
So I prayed fervently.  It was only a minute at the most, but I admitted my stubbornness and my anger.  And I let it go and allowed it to be taken away.

I played with just a single mistake.  By the end of the meeting I felt as though I had had a deep, long cry, the kind where you feel there is not a single tear more in your being and nothing left to do but sigh.  My body was weary, but my heart had been mended.
As I sat down to write my thoughts, and I wondered if I would even share them here or not, I found photos of our last week before school started.
It was like a whisper, telling me I was doing okay.  I was doing okay as a mother.
My children are happy and loved.
I am not perfect.  We are not perfect parents.
I lose my temper far too often.
I allow trivialities to provoke my anger.
I expect too much.
My priorities get jumbled.
But, I love that I am allowed to make mistakes, that the metaphorical big pink eraser is used over and over, without ever wearing out my paper.
We had a very deliberate last week of summer vacation, listing the activities everyone wanted to do before school was upon us, penciling them into a schedule.
We went to a movie with the 3 oldest, and I got to touch legs with my love and eat artificial-everything-laden, overly salted popcorn.
We took them to the craft store to pick out an art project and supplies.
We went to a dumpy little arcade to play old-school video games.  I pretty much owned Galaga.  Ryan racked up the tickets with Skee-ball.
We spent one morning dreaming of possible ways to "help" Olive lose her tooth.  The favorite was tying it to a bowling ball and throwing it down the lane, and then it would come up in the ball return, ready for retrieval.
Azure added another year to her age, and got to decorate her own cake.
And now.  It seems all is right in the world again.

55 comments:

  1. From one imperfect mother to another, thank you for sharing this. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for sharing this deep insights in your heart. i love the picture with the broken butterfly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love that you're so real. Thank you. You are a blessing!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for putting words on what I 've been feeling those last days.....so stfange when everything seems at its place...this anger inside.....tears on the edge.....I am taking huge breath...I'll be ok soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I had a blog post in my head all week last week--titled "Feeling Less Than"...all about this. feeling like everything is wrong, when I know that everything is right. It's so hard sometimes and it's so comforting knowing that others feel this way as well. The post was never written and might not ever be, but just know you are not the only one!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect--and our refusal to forgive ourselves when we are not. Thanks for such a wonderful post. Your sewing projects always inspire me to make some thing fun and beautiful. This post has inspired me to be more forgiving of myself--which will be beautiful too. Thanks a million!

    ReplyDelete
  7. yup, been there, had those weeks too. It is kind of like you can see yourself being a bear and snarling at everything, but you just don't know how to make it stop!

    Glad that you found the trick! You are the best mother for your children, don't ever let yourself believe any different.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you so much for posting this, I really needed to hear this. I've been feeling the same way as a mother. And it's always nice to know that we are never alone. Which in some way allows me to not be so hard on myself.But most of all despite all of my imperfections. I hope my children know that I will always love them.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Katy,

    I feel like this more often than I like and can rarely pinpoint a reasonable cause. The power of prayer, good music, and family is awesome!!! You are fantastic and I'm glad you're feeling better.

    ReplyDelete
  10. thank you for being real. I needed to feel a little less alone today.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was there last week, too. There was a wrestling, and unrest in my spirit. I let go and let God have complete control, and somehow He gives that peace. And I, like you, receive encouragement of His acceptance - I am not the most terrible mother in the world as I thought last week. Thanks for being transparent, Katy

    ReplyDelete
  12. Your honesty is beautiful. I know those days (and weeks) where things feel like they're spinning. One frustration traded for the next.

    Last night my husband reminded me we are good parents.I realized it's not about being a better parent but learning to be a better daughter...and let the Father, be the Father.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ive had those moments too. I started taking a homeopathic remedy called Sepia, and it has really helped.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for sharing this story. I think that it is important to share these times, as well as the good ones, so that we realise that everybody goes through this...it takes the pressure off us all to achieve some unattainable image of what we think we should be as parents.

    ReplyDelete
  15. What a relief to see that I am not the only one experiencing these mad-at-the-world-moments! Thank you for sharing! And I am glad you got rid of those feelings eventually!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh Katy...I came to leave a little note about your clever stamping tutorial (darling and a great idea! must try it) but am so happy I found this. Its just what I needed to hear today Thanks for sharing your heart:)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I can't express to you how much I needed to read this today! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yep, I sooooo know what you mean. Thanks for sharing this because so often it seems like you're just Wonder Woman! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  19. am glad that i dont need to talk...i can type (as cant seem to get any words out, they are all stuck in my throat!!)
    this last few weeks have been like that....went thru an op 10 days ago and had been so frustrated before was 'unhappy and angry' at all and no one...after the op is a diff story, not yet totally there, but its easying off and i can so relate to you and your feelings. thanks for sharing and being real...
    hugs hugs hugs

    ReplyDelete
  20. first off, i love your blog. i feel like we have a lot of common interests (and faith). i feel guilty that i have never commented. after reading this last post i knew i had to comment, because i was feeling and acting the exact same way the past couple of weeks. i really didn't know what to do or how to express it (which your words expressed so wonderfully and truthfully). So thanks, i love to know that i'm not alone when i have my bad parenting "moments". i too finally realized the only way i could get out of my funck was to get on my knees.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh, man. We've all been there. Know you aren't alone. And you're a great momma. And an incredible woman.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Loved this post! The part about the big pink eraser used over and over again without wearing down your paper was beautiful and so so true. I love that sooo much! Such a great illustration of our Savior's love for us. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Katy, you have put into words exactly how I feel all too often. Thank you for writing this and for your honestly. It helps to know we are not alone in this journey. Love to all.

    Jenny

    ReplyDelete
  24. Yes, Yes and Yes again. I have been in that nasty place more times than I'd care to admit.

    BUT,
    The fact that you recognize that you want to do better, is the forgiveness you need to accept. As you said we are not perfect and I believe as women we tend to be most critical of our own selves.

    As I've gotten older (and have grand magnificents in my life) I have come to have less of those nasty days. Perhaps now that we have raised our own and we can joyfully relax and watch our grands delight us with their every move, it is a less demanding time.


    I also reflect on days as a midwife when I may have not had the kind of birth with a family that I think they should have had or worse when I know I've done everything in my power for a new babe and it wasn't enough. Those days are few but they remind me that I am not ultimately in control and sometimes I just need to give it up to a higher power and trust.

    Deep down I think you know you are a wonderfully loving, devoted mother and partner. Some days we just need to be reminded it's ok to not be perfect; that does not negate the love and devotion we give.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Your pictures are always so lovely and capture emotion so well. I am glad you are out of your funk I think we're all getting there at the end of the summer.

    ReplyDelete
  26. oh that big pink eraser. thank you, katy. this is exactly what i needed to read today.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I live for those starting fresh moments! xx

    ReplyDelete
  28. I have felt that way all too often. And then feeling guilt that my family is not getting my whole self, because part of it is feeling that anger and resentment. I feel like it takes maturity to realize that it's not something you can fix on your own, you need God's help to change your heart. And it's good to know days or weeks in a funk happen to everyone-I was starting to think it was a symptom of having 3 kids. Lol. Good luck in the weeks ahead as the kids are back to school.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I needed this. I feel like I've had one of those 'years.'

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wow. I'm glad I read this. I am (blog) friends with your sister, Ann. I just went from her blog, crying out of inspiration to your blog, now here crying of inspiration. Your line about the eraser erasing without wearing out the paper will always stick with me. That is such a clear, beautiful way to put it. I have these weeks too - and my mind too, does not know how to get out of them. I'm glad you mentioned your musical therapy experience - I think it's a good reminder to me that I can sit down and play the piano, go out & do an impromptu photo shoot, or whatever my work for me right then. I tend to forget that.

    Thank you for sharing.
    You and your sister are beautiful, inside and out; truly.

    -Sincerely,
    Breanne

    ps. I think you are the one I won a giveaway of those beautiful, textural, emerald green earrings from a few years ago. I just wore them to church yesterday, paired with a flowy emerald green skirt. : ) So thank you again!!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. oh thanks so much for sharing, katy. i got a lump in my throat as i read this, i identify completely. i feel my patience wearing thin a lot lately too, and then feel guilty for that...no, none of us are perfect, but we're all trying so hard. always love your photos, too. thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  32. You may not be perfect but you live life beautifully. Thanks for sharing that Katy.

    You are beautiful inside and out!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I needed to hear that today. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Bless you, Katy Dill. Bless you for being real. Bless you for sharing your thoughts and feeling with the world. Your words brought me to tears. I felt the spirit of your words, and wish I could hear you play your harp. Geesh, I'm cheesy, but you have no idea how much I needed this. Thank you, from one imperfect mother to another.

    ReplyDelete
  35. just 'thank you' for sharing this...

    ReplyDelete
  36. Thanks for sharing your calming post. What a wonderful way to present your photos.

    I am not a mother, however always wanted to be but God said no. That's the way life is - He has other plans.

    You have lovely children! You are dearly blessed!

    Love the pink eraser! You've lifted my spirit - Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  37. wow reading this make me feel better as a mom! i think i'll follow you now

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thankyou so much for this post. I have been feeling the same way and you have helped me let it go. Katy you are the best!
    Bonnie

    ReplyDelete
  39. Katy, this post meant more to me than words can say. I was sitting here, holding my sleeping daughter-- a daughter I hoped & prayed for for years!-- irritated that she's been refusing to nap, worried I won't get my work done because she won't sleep anywhere but on me. You just made me stop, cry, and say thank you. It's not always easy living your dreams, but appreciate the reminder to let go & not hold on quite so tightly.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Katy...how timely. I have had that day today and yesterday. The boys went back to school and I think part of it is that I miss them. And I missed my alone time I had when they went back and now I have the baby.

    Even though I know how precious each life is since we lost our daughter, I still have the moments of frustration..and I know it is okay because we are all humans....

    Love this and just adore your family!!!

    ReplyDelete
  41. It wouldn't have been easy to share that - thankyou.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Word for word, had the exact same week. Got myself so worked up that I threw out my back. Which healed itself when I walked the girls into their first day of school today. I was so anxious to send my littlest to Kindergarten, and my oldest to repeat her 1st grade year, that I made myself sick. Luckily, my far more resilient kids did not follow me, and ended up having a great day. The pink eraser of parenthood. Love it. Going to mentally keep that image.

    ReplyDelete
  43. There is nothing more to say here except "thank you".

    ReplyDelete
  44. Katy, what a blessing to have a community of women to talk to and share! Oh those dark days are hard but the light will come! Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  45. loved your pink eraser and paper analogy. You're good.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I had the same type of week last week. I am happy for you that you were able to find peace, and you wrote about it so beautifully. When I feel so tensed inside I don't often turn to the Lord but maybe next time I will because what you said really struck me. Thanks so much for the post.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Oh man, I have had that kind of summer. Our family has been in limbo because I wanted to sell our house, then the house we wanted fell through and we have been living with in laws and such. The oldest has taken it the hardest due to her need for complete routine. Thank you for sharing the feelings in your heart and how a prayer and time out to play your music softened your heart. We are not perfect mothers as that is a complete oxymoron, but we are perfect in the eyes of our father and that is enough. We will have our last week before school starts and you have inspired me to forget all the packed boxes and the rooms that are half painted/half torn up wallpaper. We will do all the things that didn't get done due to being discombobulated. I have no idea how to spell that word!!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Thank you for sharing, I needed this too!

    ReplyDelete
  49. I had a day like that today and when I tried to explain it to Dave all I could say was "There is just so much resistance, always, resistance" There is opposition in all things? And we are human, and our reactions are human, and I love the thought of that giant pink eraser right now, polishing over parts of my afternoon, but not the part where I got on my knees so we were eye to eye, she and I, and I was able to talk to her, people say heart to heart and it sounds so trite, but for a moment, there was a tender mercy and my words let my heart talk to her heart. Because we are human, I am sure I will need that eraser tomorrow, but what a gift that there is a never ending supply? I needed this today, days after you wrote it, So thank you...

    ReplyDelete
  50. I tell my boys no one is perfect, not even Mummy. All any one can do is do their best, love and forgive with all their heart and soul. Thank you for sharing, it is nice to know we are all human.

    ReplyDelete
  51. had a hard morning myself. a good 4 hours at the human services building with both boys and no extra diapers. then ben needed a ride, something emailed to him, a model dropped off, and the car needed gas.

    all is calm for now and i'm rewarding it with your blog :).

    ReplyDelete

Be a lamb & tell me what's on your mind.